The One with Boredom

Been so bored lately what with not ambulancing outside of work as much as I used to. It's left me feeling unfulfilled and as though I'm slowly going nuts. Let's face it, my job isn't rocket science. I need a challenge - I haven't had one of those in years! I just want to do so many things and it's hard to focus on just one path. Sometimes I just think, what's the point if it's going to all end in failure like it usually does?

The One with my Dad

I dreamt last night that my Dad had died and in the dream I cried a lot. I miss my Dad; I just wish he wasn't a violent racist crackpot.

The One with another Rejection

It occurs to me that I've not updated this about Uni since the last post about reading up in prep for an interview. Yeah, I didn't even get that far this year, despite my biographical questionnaire being way better than last year's (last year, I got an interview from it). 'Pissed off' doesn't quite cover it. Current theories include not sending off my app early enough, and the biographical questionnaire being sent out despite them interviewing or wanting to interview however many they were going to interview this year.

Fucktards.

Well, will start the process all over again in September; get it all sent off by the end of Sept. Not going through all of this again. It just feels though that I've lost my drive. I haven't touched Ross and Wilson in months, possibly since the Summer.

Why the hell is it so much easier for others?

The One with a Sign

The day after a lorry reversed into the DT sign.

The One with Roses

Here's a snap of the roses Bf got me for V-day. He also got me a 5ft tall card! & a box of chocs. Love you xxxxx

The One with a Polar Bear and a Penguin

Is the Polar Bear thinking "Yum! I love it when food comes with its own marinade!"?

... or...

"WTF is that thing??"

Polar bears of course are from the Arctic, and penguins are from the Antarctic.

The One with Polar Bears

I like bears; polar bears; coca cola polar bears.

The One with some Reading Up

I'm hoping that I get through to the interview stage again this time around. I've been doing some reading tonight in spite of a stupidly early start tomorrow.

Beveridge Report
Department of Health report on Paramedics Prescribing
Clinical Performance Indicators for ambulance trusts/clinicians

I really, really hope that I get onto the course; I've come so far since the last time I applied.

The One with Scheduling

It can be quite challenging having to schedule your life - or parts of your life around someone. There will be other ambulance shifts, and I will be away a whole weekend doing first aid-y things in a couple of weeks. It's perhaps the immaturity in me that wants to do things now, or wants to do things that I used to be able to.

I suppose it's just one more thing to get used to, and of course, good practice in time management. If that doesn't impress Uni, I don't know what will.

Signed up to the gym again today - I have a one-to-one induction thingy tomorrow, and I've already booked a zumba class on Thurs. I've got to lose so much weight and get fit again. It's going to be tough but it'll make me feel better... and of course put in a much better place to be training to be a paramedic. :D

The One with an Urge to Fly

Sometimes, I want to fly; to fly away so far and so fast. It just feels like I'm stagnating. I want to do something with my life but it just seems that with each turn, I'm held back; at each turn, I hit a wall.

Sometimes, I want to scream; scream at feeling so helpless; scream at feeling so powerless. Everyone else seem to get what they want; when will it be my turn? When will I get my chance to shine? How much more must I suffer and be beaten down until I give up in despair?

Others seem to get places, but I am always several steps behind; I am always in the dark. I'm so tired of this. I want my chance to soar; to fly; to jump out of this rut.

But thankfully, in amidst the darkness and pain, I have a spark of light - a torch to light my way; someone who keeps me striving - keeps me relatively sane in amidst the ever swirling howling. Perhaps this time, I will succeed; this time, when aiming for the stars, I'll get there and beyond.

But in the meantime, I must suffer. I must bear my burden as I, weary traveller, trudge along the road to Cloud City.

But it could be worse. It could be much worse.

While I count my blessings, I must also remember that my life could be much better and that I should never give up trying to improve it. I will not slide further into the dark; into the roaring insanity.